Only you know….

 I called out to you

Did you hear me?

I thought maybe you didn’t because I whispered.

That day came to an end.. Somehow, I survived.

Weeks followed and things got from bad to worse

I prayed

Did you hear me?

I figured you did but I needed to see a sign.

That day came to an end..Somehow, I survived.

One fine evening I entered your house with friends

There was almost no empty pew in sight but we got a nice little corner

I sang your praise, danced and shouted your name

Without noticing, I began to weep

I wept so hard but I did not care

It was your house, my house, our house-

That night came to an end. Somehow, I survived.

The light began to return

My joy seemed endless

You heard my cry

I shared my tale

Sprung to my feet

Praised you even more

That day was amazing, it ended with a smile

A few days later, darkness returned

This time I could barely speak

I simply sat, numb

I tried to open my mouth

Then I closed it soon after

I started to mumble a prayer

But I couldn’t muster the strength

I sat still

Waiting

Hoping

Sobbing

I sat motionless-

So, here I am

Uncertain

Broken

Damaged

I feel irreparable

Hopeless

Distressed

Is it true that I can’t be fixed?

Of course not!

See, even if I have failed to speak

You have seen what’s written at the bottom of my heart

As if that is not enough

I have been in this place before

I know what it feels like

Do you know what happened though?

You held my hand

You didn’t  just tell me it would be okay

You made it okay-

You provided rest to my weary soul

The spirit to quench my doubt

Your mercy to restore me

So, I am going to wait on you

I will wait on you Lord

For only you,

Only you know-

heaven

After a while

After a while the job you thought gave you satisfaction begins to drag

The qualifications you believed to be adequate seem a tad bit minimal

Your efforts go unappreciated and faults gravely highlighted

All the dreams you envisioned would come true keep at bay

And the ones you never  knew you had seem to stay-

The minutes before you fall asleep sub consciously become angles of reflection

New days torment you with the urge to do better, become greater

And yet the mortal in you still ponders;

What is it all for?

Does it really matter after all?

There has got to be more to life.

Passion for the things/people you adore brings you pleasure

Just before the pangs of pain that follow with situations you can barely control

Anxiety

Fear

Questions

All these arise and you want to get away, undo the past, see into the future

But after a while you accept that it isn’t in your reach

That you can’t always run when faced with adversity-

After a while you realise the love you give does not always get returned

And the one you barely spread comes back to you in tonnes

Oooh the irony!

You begin to cultivate bonds that should last a lifetime

And spend less time on relationships that don’t build you

After a while, you begin to see people for what they really are;

The liars, seasonal friends, haters, really good actors and the genuine souls

After a while you realise that you will not always get what you want

But may get what you need even when you are not looking

After a while, you grasp the the importance of silence,nature,reflection

You notice the little things

Acknowledge modest victories

Celebrate accomplishments of loved ones

This may be the only chance you get-

After a while you become conscious of the fact that there is NO enough

You recognise that shopping makes you happy but won’t make up for a broken heart

The fancy phone, car or house does not compensate for the tears on your pillow

but God knows you will get people talking and admiring…and talking some more

You acknowledge that past pain, money or even good looks do not atone for a bad attitude

Even if sometimes people get away with it.

After a while your belief in a higher power is tested constantly

It is critiqued, questioned and even wanes from time to time

It becomes a decision you have to make over and over again

Hoping that the faith shall grow stronger than the doubt

And you will open your eyes before the crash.

After a while it becomes clear that things shall often remain unclear

And that lunacy is actually closer to home than we think :-

After a while, I have noticed that I have said so much without actually saying much so perhaps I should stop here?

Yes.

The End

crazy

What’s love ‘gat’ to do with it?

Have you ever had someone so close to you in your life, that whatever they did to hurt you, you simply forgave them?

Now, this forgiveness does not necessarily happen because of your devotion as a Christian, No. It is mostly because they have that uncanny control over you. Sometimes they know it. Other times they don’t. Sometimes they use it to their advantage, often they do not know how.

You know what that is? I call it love. Now, I shall not even attempt to define this ever so broad subject but I have seen components of it…and lived through a couple of them.

The thing about love is that no matter how ‘soon’ we want it to die out, especially after a terrible experience..it stays close by..chilling in your heart *super glued even*. It is the reason women stay in abusive relationships when the world can’t seem to understand.( This is not to say I condone it. I simply believe it is so easy for ‘us’ outsiders to judge such women yet they probably have their reasons)

It is love that keeps us with our ever jealous,annoying-gossipy friends…because deep down we know there is a reason we bonded in the first place(Not to say you should keep negative people in your life in the name of love)

It is still love that makes exes hook up even if at the back of their minds they know things may go downhill as they did before…but you can’t just up and erase past love..If it is so easy to ‘wash it away,’ can’t have been that strong to start with, no?

Now to a more informed perspective;

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

heart

I know for a fact I have been guilty of breaking some of these rules…but you can’t blame me..how do I trust someone with all these bu 16 year olds looking like I should be looking? Hot, sexy, sultry (insert necessary synonyms) yet they are in school and I am..well..erm, a working class woman? Do I sound defensive? Okay, I have stopped. What was I saying? Yes, I am a work in progress. *watch this space*

Brings me to a close relative of love…pain. The irony, huh? Pain can’t be wished away. Even if you disappear into Alaska, you may see a leaf that reminds you of person X who broke your heart..so I suggest you stay put and deal from here. I am pretty sure this heat shall melt some of that love:) wait, is it meant to be a sad smiley? 😦

Pain takes time..sometimes it leaves scars so you will remember but you can choose to cover this scar up with new beauty spots.. Memories, not diamonds are forever..Is there surgery to edit your memory..meds…something?anything? I think there is a reason they remain vivid…or not.

Memories come in their own packages.

They itch, scratch, walk in unannounced and constantly remind you of what was..Unable to get rid of them, you are stuck with a pigment of the past..sometimes they are great..others, not so much…but it is from falling down that we learn to get back up..yaay! There is hope 🙂

That said, I believe love is a beautiful thing and once you have given it your best shot,it should never be regretted no matter how badly it ends..

To experience loss can be a differently wrapped gift too, a reminder of what can be and a lesson for the beautiful opportunities that lie ahead 😉

Aside

Ndi ku digi

Lately, I have been going through the motions..totally unexcited, unmotivated and constantly in a trance that I can’t quite figure out. Always waiting for the day to end then the next one….and the next one….

I do not even know why the expression ‘the sunny side of life’ was coined. I think I am more irritable when  it is hot so yes…let me blame the weather for all my problems. It is so much easier 🙂

So today, as I sat on a boda boda pondering the uncertainty of life, the crazy motorists on either side of me and the heat rash I had acquired, I decided to focus on a few random things that have made my life much easier which I may not be able to reveal when I am gone because well….I will be with angels talking about more amazing things:P

*I will start with the motor bike/boda boda for so many obvious and not so obvious reasons;

>Some of the funniest conversations I have had in my life have been with these strangers whom I use every so often. As a matter of fact, so have the biggest compliments (says a lot about my type, I know but facts are facts mehn) I often find myself at the destination even before  ‘we’ are done. Do not be mistaken, I am well aware of the risk and have had my share of ‘movie stunts’ on this form of transport…but still doesn’t take away the fun times.

> Babies! All the people who are close to me and have had babies would never have seen me among the first guests at the hospital if it wasn’t for my miracle wheels. I know how crazy my schedule can get and make it a rule to visit mothers before they are discharged lest I fail to make it to the home until said baby is my height. Therefore, lunch hour, before work, between meetings..I shall be the girl whizzing past you on a mission!

So today when I had a conversation with a friend about what we are each fasting this lent and she suggested I fast boda bodas, you can imagine how I felt.I shrieked! Surely even God wants me to get to my destinations on time and happy, right?

* Facebook

I love communication. If I could be paid for it, I would be a trillionaire..Unfortunately, it is not a talent and cannot put food on the table, not yet at least. However, when I first got nudged by a close friend to join facebook, I was totally against it. How can I put my life out there for all to see, and photographs too? Never! At the time I was even dealing with a stalker who had hacked into my phone records so really I wasn’t going to give him more to work with.No!!

Later, the idea of catching up with friends and family in and out of the country became more and more appealing. There was information too and I needed to peek and see for myself. Well, I did check it out.

I would not say it impacted my life greatly until last year. When the group ’40 days over 40 smiles began, it had few members, probably less than 100…It slowly grew and now has over 1,000 but that doesn’t even matter. I believe half of that number have only a slight idea what we do, and half of that half just do not know where to find the ‘leave group’ icon…otherwise *Your guess is as good as mine*

However, there are several friends and strangers who join every other day and actually want to be a HUGE part of it. Those individuals who call to say they love what we are doing, the few who come for our events, the amazing ones that pray for and with the children we look after and all the incredible people who have donated generously from the start.

I would never have reached so many people without facebook. I would never have witnessed life changing scenarios every other day based on the goodness of souls and power of unity.

Facebook opened my eves to a lot. For all its flaws, I can say with deep conviction that this social network has helped make my dream become not just my reality, but a shared dream and reality.

Mobile money

Recently a friend of mine asked me, “Do you ever receive your own money through mobile money?” I laughed. I could not remember the last time I ever received ‘my’ money. In fact, I barely ever check for the reason it is sent, I imagine it is for the kids and move on to put it to something they need.

When I first registered for this service, I never imagined it would become the ’40-40 mobile bank.’ It was for emergencies.

Before I knew it, I was sending money for food, firewood, medical bills and any other need without stepping even 10 metres away from my location.

I must admit, it is very testing to be completely broke and know that your phone is ‘storing’  1,000,000 shillings or more. To look at it and not be able to use it. Then that little voice from over your left shoulder tells you “Take just a bit, no one will ever notice.”

But you know within your heart that those to whom it belongs deserve it more than you in so many ways. The next day you spend it all on their food and wonder if anyone will even send “5k” but the Lord our God, he never disappoints. He keeps filling thy cup 🙂

So yes, the human in me is tempted…but the God in me keeps her(the human) in check…so do not worry, it is all safe:)

That said, here is to finding more joy in things that we often ignore and well, simply letting ourselves be.

So, if it is rain that does it for you(like me), have more rainy days but so we keep it ‘normal’ too, here is to the sunny side of life*

DISCLAIMER: I REALLY COULD NOT COME UP WITH A TITLE!

bike