To love, hold and lose..

Growing up means many things, maturity, responsibility and several wrong decisions plus lessons that you may or may not take from all the experiences you encounter.

Your elders will warn you about what to expect and recount their stories as many times as they can but none of it saves you from the reality and  neither does it prepare you. Once in a while you shall echo their thoughts and mirror their reactions but the more likely option is that you will fall flat before you ever have the chance to sit and think “I made the wrong decision.” Either way, you have to do it your way to realise.

It is great to put your heart on the line, to give till it hurts and leave no room for remorse but the repercussions can take away all the joy of trying and bring you to a point where you wish you hadn’t bothered in the first place.

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.” ― Charles Bukowski

Loss comes in many forms from distance to denial and the ultimate, death. Come to think of it, why do they all begin with ‘d?’ I digress.

I believe to lose something or someone who you shall never see again is perhaps easier than the tormenting loss of a friend, former lover, member of the family who is so near yet so far.

It could even be a job you gave up everything for and had to leave under unclear circumstances or a place you called home suddenly transforming into a prison that you cannot bear.

Denise dated James for 5 years. She knew very well that her parents did not approve of their union but somewhere in her heart she knew she would fight for him and win. Little did she know that his own family was orchestrating a ‘master plan’ of their own behind her back. Before either of them could comprehend the situation, James was betrothed to Liz. A few weeks later, a traditional wedding was organised.

Denise was devastated and James, well, he was helpless. He tried to explain that it was beyond him but she was too broken to even listen. “He should have tried harder,” she thought.  As such, there is one more unhappy couple in this city and a mad black woman on the loose who is not only incapable of commitment at the moment but also lacks the passion and excitement for life that she once had.

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.”
― Paulo Coelho

Lately, I have been trying to deal with a special kind of loss myself. The kind where you can almost see, feel, touch and smell that which has been taken away from you but you can’t.  This loss is almost inexplicable to an untrained mind and perhaps beyond consolation even by those near and dear.

“Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering.”
― Roland Barthes

It is one thing to hear that ‘Everything will be okay.” but actually believing it can seem like mystic universe yet to be discovered by the world. The sad reality is that when people notice you are grieving, their immediate reaction is to reach out to you and yet sometimes the questions, advice and comforting phrases take you back to the same place you are trying to run away from, the picture you are trying to erase…the shadow that you can’t avoid.

You want to sit still, alone, shut yourself from the world, except you can’t. The world won’t stop for your pain. Music will play on and new lives shall emerge. You have to make a choice to suck it up or get sucked in. Sometimes it is both, other days the distinction is clear.

Loneliness makes it worse yet being around people is just a ‘more crowded’  kind of lonely. You feign laughter and exchange hugs, share an old joke or a meal but the reality whispers “You can’t pretend forever.” and indeed after a few odd hours of beautiful lies, you are coiled in your bed, with only your mind and heart each racing and prancing about in your system, oscillating between whispers and shouts  of voices,images you can’t exactly make out and pain that you don’t question.

Yes, your body has caught on too. If its blood is boiling, the mind pacing and the heart unstable, surely you don’t expect it to function ‘normally.’

You know that dawn is a few hours away and that you can’t really bother anyone at such a time, but even if you could, what will you say? They want to believe you are healing. You want them to believe you are healing but since none of that is happening, perhaps it is better to share your feelings with your pillow for it can neither judge nor respond.

Finally the morning comes and you promise yourself a new journey, a happier ending. You even believe it for a bit but secretly you know that you shall disappoint yourself once more. You can’t utter such negative thoughts! “Be positive, you tell yourself.” The cycle continues….

Here I am contemplating the beauty of ignorance from that which we have never experienced versus the bliss of enlightenment that comes and changes your life but is later stolen  away in the dead of the night.

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

―  John Steinbeck

It is one thing to give your utmost love, care and devotion to a person,job,project and the like but an entirely different thing for it to be reciprocated in the same measure or even anywhere close.

Loss does things to people, it transforms them. You might be lucky and come out stronger but deep within lies that hole that only you can see and feel.

Some people do not recover, they can’t see the world in the same way anymore. They remain numb with the hope that they shall relive the last moment when they could have held on to a love so dear but sadly, the clock never really turns back, only memories remain.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

Who knows how it will all end or which people you shall meet that will get into that broken heart and try to make it whole?

You don’t. The future has an unwritten story but first, you need to open up the book of your soul to the first page so the story can be written or rewritten.

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us–that’s snatched right out of our hands–even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.” ― Haruki Murakami

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xoxo

Crossroads

You know how even atheists shall cry out to the Lord when faced with the possibility of death or any other such terrifying moment?

Well, sometimes Christians are no different.

We wake up every day going on about our business,taking a taxi,driving to work, making calls, reply any mention of us on the social media; a few angry remarks here and there..before we know it, The day has ended. We whine more than we should and compliment a lot less than we can. We think it is okay because “It’s my life”

Except, it’s not.  I mean it’s not okay, not it’s not your life.

Some evenings I am so exhausted all I get to say before I sleep is Amen or simply the Lord’s prayer; on many mornings I am too ‘lazy’ to even mumble that prayer. When I do pray,I sometimes rush it more than I should.

However, when someone close to me is in pain or am at a point of crossroads in my life, my every waking moment is spent in some sort of prayer, consciously or sub consciously. I sing his praise, read a few verses and pray or fast.

I will stress God so he can give me a sign of some sort, I shall call on him till he hears my cry.

BUT

How often do we go back to thank him after that call to tell us ‘You got the job!’ How many times do we at least say ‘thank you father’ before we close our eyes? Do you remember the last time you had any sort of thanksgiving for your love, family and all other elements of your better than average life?

Lately, I have gotten to a point that I can’t quite explain. I am yearning for God and yet not searching, searching but not finding,whispering when I want to praise. I am…numb.

Everyone who has shared their pain with me in the past few weeks has earned a prayer but when I get to the part about me, I go silent,stiff and stare into space..then it ends there and I hope that the next day shall be better.

I have woken up from nightmares,accumulated sweat,fear and random thoughts in the wee hours of the morning but none of it makes sense.

I think. Reminisce..but nothing.

So I say, I will take it to the Lord in prayer, and then I don’t

I think maybe talking to someone will help, but probably not

Oh, a getaway will take some of it away, tried it, lasted only as long as a the time away

and ……we’re back…

Blank

Uncertain

Lost.

Maybe someone else has gone through the same ordeal or is gong through it right now. Maybe this will be one of those posts which you simply can’t relate to. Still, I got a few verses to sort of help me through some of the emotions I have been feeling lately and thought I would share.

We can’t always have the answers but I know the one who does hears us even before we call and understands the most subtle signs beckoning him.

This should just be the default rule. When in doubt, ask Him, when you are certain, ask Him,before you begin, during and after the decision you are about to make/making/have made, ask Him!

Let it all be about Him, and not you.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

When things do not seem to be working out, but you believe in them still,stand still and await his direction.

1 Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.

Suffering? Well, you are certainly not on your own and guess what? It will build you-for real..

Romans 5:1-21

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. …

Anger; Yes, it is natural but don’t let it consume you

Ephesians 4:26-27

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

It is not just you. We all have the moments of grace and those of defeat.

Ecclesiastes 9:11

Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favour to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.

Temptation. We can’t always fight it but look to Him, he believes in you.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Nobody said it was easy. If they did, they lied.

Have hope. Keep the faith

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

  • James 1:2-4

    Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Doing good with little or no reward

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

 

Endure and you will reap,don’t believe me? Trust Him

Hebrews 12:1-15

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.

If we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us;

And finally, we should be thankful to God for anything and everything and let him know whenever we can.

I chant ‘Thank you Lord’ whenever I can. It could be a hymn for you or a favourite song but do let him know.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

This may not all make sense now. God knows even I have some doubt as I type this. On those days when the blows keep coming with no warning and last longer than they should, I ask myself why and want, even need to give up but you know what? Still I rise, and so should you 🙂

Where do I go?

Where do I go?

May God see you through the difficult and happy times alike for it takes an end to see a beginning.

Thank him and call on him. He doesn’t mind either but think about it. Which do you prefer to have people constantly ask you for things or knowing that even f you are their provider, they still have the courtesy to thank you?

Stick with Him and you shall be  in for a thrilling ride…You gerrit,right? 😉

xoxo